I've been scattered for the past few months. I've lost my head in some other mind, some other life and time. But all storms have their passing through and... eye. There have been a lot of major events that have overturned in my life lately and they keep opening up different parts of me that I didn't know of myself. I'm trying to be leveled and calm. I've felt stressed and tight for so long and finally after I've bashed my head and fists up against the wall to many times I can raise up my arms and realax my palms and not give up, but accept.
Things are never fine, I understand this I'm sure, but most of the time it's sailable. We all are in constant flux even when we don't even realize we are. I understand that I will encounter MORE hard times, just as I have dealt with enough of them as I appreciate and marvel at the good, great and amazing days that will also come and pass. It's all balance and we're all trying to get through the same thing, just different obstacles, challenges and feats overcome.
The past couple of weeks have been an odd mix of good and bad atmospheres. The end of the year always scares me, I know its psychological, but I've been doing my best to stay positive. There has always been drama or trauma in my life after September and has proved to have been downhill come past my birthday. The gift and curse of a cosmic Scorpio, I guess. But of all great things to happen on my birthday I had my first lesson with John Hatton from the Brian Setzer Orchestra. Holy shit! I know! Gillorie introduced me to Brian Setzer in 2008 and I had been in love with John's bass playing ever since. I'm definitely madly in love with Bass, to those who know me, am sure, but I'm not a confident player. I'm working to improve my interplanetary funkmanship. I'm a confident performer, but not a technical player, yet.
My first lesson with John completely flipped my world around. Everything he asked me to do, from watching and learning some slaps, bow techniques, sight reading!, playing by ear, everything he asked I could do. He was really impressed with me actually. I never knew that about myself. It inspired me to do more and look more into myself, now as a bass player. I started transcribing a Ray Brown tune and I've never ever done that before. I'm surprising myself with how good I'm doing, but I deserve it because I am working hard. He said "I am becoming his star student" and "Not only am I becoming a great bass player, but that my voice is spellbinding." First of all- no ones ever told me I'm spellbinding. Second of all, WOW.
But I need to recognize this and acknowledge this for myself.
I've felt so low about myself because of all the madness with Jay. I wish things could have been handled more maturely, on both parts. I release you back into the universe from which you came; cascading into the dark. I accept it, but he's not a Man. Sad. Because he was one of my biggest inspirations as well as a lover. I'm grateful but definitely disappointed in some ways. ~Things come and go then let them~ Good vibes and may you be happy with your silence.
They all turn into songs anyhow. Once you both know that you will ultimately live forever in song, you can move on. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL BOLD AS LOVE. And thats all you've got to remember.
But still, the same response applies; but I need to recognize and acknowledge this for myself.
If I'm lost and scattered myself then how can I can complete any mission or relationship? I certainly have no problem being respectful to others, but sometimes I'm not with myself. I am becoming more focused and organized, at least I'm trying. But the rug keeps getting pulled out from under my feet. Bass is helping. I also have some grand opportunities coming up. I feel very lucky. Life isn't actually too bad once you decide not to be stressed anymore. I'm choosing how to react and just shifted the way I interpret these things. I'm grateful for clearing skies as we change our seasons. I'm definitely feeling good. I just really need to clean my room.
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