Piece of My Heart

I always feel that once it's my birthday it's the end of the year. I'm not really a fan of November/December because all the holidays make me miss when I had a family. That's something I've always struggled with. Before my father died and I lived with him and my mom, things did feel nice when it was just us three. We were always poor and could never really afford a fancy meal, never-the-less presents around Hannukah or Christmas time. My brothers and sisters used to have grand get-togethers and I always looked forward to them because they could afford the fancy dinners, there were decorations, everyone was there and sometimes I got presents. A lot of the time... I got socks, which we all know what that means. I was the youngest sibling in the family and I always felt out of place. I never felt like I fit in and I did bad things to get attention and that obviously never helped, but it was adolescence and I was maturing so certain things should be reprimanded and forgiven, not held as a grudge. Because I was my fathers last child my other brothers and sisters were 30+ years older than me and their children, my nieces and nephews, at least over 5+, so I was the oddball Aunt and because I lived far away I was never included in a lot of family gatherings. Because I felt out of place I usually spent those nights at the dinner table, next to my father of course, talking with the adults. As I got older I felt like I'd rather sit with grandma than play video games or board games with the rest of the nieces and nephews even though I secretly wanted to. But because they made me feel 'uncool,' I usually just wanted to go home. Now that they're not in my life and neither are my parents November/December just reminds me of those awkward times where I wish I had family and the never ending feeling that 'I want to go home.'

This year 2011 is very different, yet very similar. I'm turning 25 this year. Landmark achievement and big step in life, but also means that come January 1st it will be my fathers 10th anniversary. I've been tearing up since the end of the past paragraph and it still shows how deep these feelings still are to me. 10 years ago to this date I had my father. Life was harder, confusing and I was sick at the time, but I'd give anything to feel that time again.  I think of all thats happened in the past 10 years... a lot of it has been trauma after trauma and I still carry anxiety from it all. I had a stress disorder after it all and part of it never left so it's just something I deal with everyday. I think about my father everyday and miss him more than I would miss life itself once it's gone. But that goes along with everyone/thing that you deeply love and care about. There's still a huge silence within me from then, everything that I wish I could tell him and have told him and everything I wanted to ask and that he would have shared with me. No matter what; you grow. It gets farther and farther away every minute and its always up from here.

Upon turning 25 I'm looking back not only on the past 10 years in significance but also this past year. 2011 was not what I expected it to be. It started out sweet but quickly turned sour, in fact pretty much overnight. The person I considered one of my best friends broke up with me and I'm still not healed. It made me look at life and love very differently. I seriously don't see it the way I did before and my capability for trust has become super sensitive. There was a brief point in the summertime for 3 months where I lowered my standards and allowed myself to be disrespected and that doesn't actually bother me as much. Maybe I cursed myself when I branded myself the phrase "I've been dealt a Love Absurd instead of a Love Supreme." I accept the fact that it's important to let myself heal even though I know it's going to take a long time. November/December doesn't help, nor New Years, but thats not anyone elses fault... but I know I will have a few memories swatting at my mind. 2011 definitely changed me. I've barely written any poetry and quit playing Bass for most of it. I talked with my brother Brent (more family to me than my own blood) today about my issues with Bass and it reminded me why. I was inspired by my boyfriend and it was a different inspiration than I had felt, just simply of a different nature. I wrote poetry and of all the loves I had written poetry about I felt that HE was worth writing poetry about. I wrote many I never shared. I was playing Upright a lot and working on my notation and there was a certain melody that came over me whenever I thought of him or was with him. I have never experienced a certain melody attached to a person, even his smell was a beautiful color. Since things were going well I decided that I should expand that melody from my head. I started writing a Tune for my Lover. I remember accidently leaving it out on the music stand early in January and him seeing it asking 'Who is that for?' and me shyly replying 'Uh... you...' met with an awkward moment and not talking about it again... I should have known. A short time later we were done and I got upset and ripped it up. Not only was my heart broken but my current musical achievement ripped to shreds. I stopped playing Bass for months after that. And I realized today talking to Brent because I hadn't thought about that in a long time. And for future reference when a guy says 'I'm afraid of commitment, you're too awesome, I feel like I'm in over my head,' he really means 'Thanks for the blowjob, I just don't like you anymore.' Lets be honest here... he's not afraid of commitment, he just didn't want to be with me.

I need to dust off my Bass not write love songs for lovers.

2011 for music has been an even greater experience and that's what makes it worth it. I've grown so much just as much as I detached myself from a huge part of it. My band The Love Absurd started recording our first album; Infinite Possibilities. A few of the players have rotated, but I've made some great friends a long the way. This has been the most exciting year for music thus far and I can't wait to see where it all goes. In March, after the great heart and mind fuck, I started my first collaboration project with Paul Bailey. I had never made music with someone else that wasn't purely under my own direction. It was very inspiring and he and his family have become some of my dearest friends even if I don't get to see them enough. This project made me realize that its a good thing and more importantly it was time to collaborate music with many more. Most importantly I entered 2011 with ZERO recording experience and since March I've gone from ZERO to major label recording. The highlight of the year was stepping into Studio A of Atlantic Records to record our music together. IF I THOUGHT I WAS FLYING SPACESHIPS BEFORE... THAT WAS A MUTHERFUCKING SPACESHIP. I sang into a $10,000 mic and played guitar through an amazing sound system and it was all our original music project and all for free and in great vibes. How lucky, I'm just extremely grateful.

Since then I've sang with Permeate, the reggae band, recorded a song with one of my best good friends Kevin, sang with my other best good friend Jack's Funk project BAMF, with Philip Fiorio's jazz trio a few times and Emerson Wahl's jazz trio and became the lead singer/songwriter for another Funk project called Funk Ta Puss. I had never done so much before and I had NO EXPECTATIONS of where I would be when I would turn 25, but I'm here and this is happening and regardless of all maddness; its great. I feel much more respected as a musician and an artist and feel like my career is starting to fill itself out, besides the paycheck.

I've come a long way since the great heart-fuck of January and this crazy 2011, but every year is crazy and something fucks you in the heart anyways. And 10 years is a lot to reflect upon. But no matter what I remain positive and creative. I promise myself that I will not shut myself off, I will write more poetry, I will continue questing existence, our universe and understanding and keep making music.

There are a lot more discoveries to be made, experiences to have and so many wonders in the Universe to find. I grow.

Fair winds, Jill