Piece of My Heart

I always feel that once it's my birthday it's the end of the year. I'm not really a fan of November/December because all the holidays make me miss when I had a family. That's something I've always struggled with. Before my father died and I lived with him and my mom, things did feel nice when it was just us three. We were always poor and could never really afford a fancy meal, never-the-less presents around Hannukah or Christmas time. My brothers and sisters used to have grand get-togethers and I always looked forward to them because they could afford the fancy dinners, there were decorations, everyone was there and sometimes I got presents. A lot of the time... I got socks, which we all know what that means. I was the youngest sibling in the family and I always felt out of place. I never felt like I fit in and I did bad things to get attention and that obviously never helped, but it was adolescence and I was maturing so certain things should be reprimanded and forgiven, not held as a grudge. Because I was my fathers last child my other brothers and sisters were 30+ years older than me and their children, my nieces and nephews, at least over 5+, so I was the oddball Aunt and because I lived far away I was never included in a lot of family gatherings. Because I felt out of place I usually spent those nights at the dinner table, next to my father of course, talking with the adults. As I got older I felt like I'd rather sit with grandma than play video games or board games with the rest of the nieces and nephews even though I secretly wanted to. But because they made me feel 'uncool,' I usually just wanted to go home. Now that they're not in my life and neither are my parents November/December just reminds me of those awkward times where I wish I had family and the never ending feeling that 'I want to go home.'

This year 2011 is very different, yet very similar. I'm turning 25 this year. Landmark achievement and big step in life, but also means that come January 1st it will be my fathers 10th anniversary. I've been tearing up since the end of the past paragraph and it still shows how deep these feelings still are to me. 10 years ago to this date I had my father. Life was harder, confusing and I was sick at the time, but I'd give anything to feel that time again.  I think of all thats happened in the past 10 years... a lot of it has been trauma after trauma and I still carry anxiety from it all. I had a stress disorder after it all and part of it never left so it's just something I deal with everyday. I think about my father everyday and miss him more than I would miss life itself once it's gone. But that goes along with everyone/thing that you deeply love and care about. There's still a huge silence within me from then, everything that I wish I could tell him and have told him and everything I wanted to ask and that he would have shared with me. No matter what; you grow. It gets farther and farther away every minute and its always up from here.

Upon turning 25 I'm looking back not only on the past 10 years in significance but also this past year. 2011 was not what I expected it to be. It started out sweet but quickly turned sour, in fact pretty much overnight. The person I considered one of my best friends broke up with me and I'm still not healed. It made me look at life and love very differently. I seriously don't see it the way I did before and my capability for trust has become super sensitive. There was a brief point in the summertime for 3 months where I lowered my standards and allowed myself to be disrespected and that doesn't actually bother me as much. Maybe I cursed myself when I branded myself the phrase "I've been dealt a Love Absurd instead of a Love Supreme." I accept the fact that it's important to let myself heal even though I know it's going to take a long time. November/December doesn't help, nor New Years, but thats not anyone elses fault... but I know I will have a few memories swatting at my mind. 2011 definitely changed me. I've barely written any poetry and quit playing Bass for most of it. I talked with my brother Brent (more family to me than my own blood) today about my issues with Bass and it reminded me why. I was inspired by my boyfriend and it was a different inspiration than I had felt, just simply of a different nature. I wrote poetry and of all the loves I had written poetry about I felt that HE was worth writing poetry about. I wrote many I never shared. I was playing Upright a lot and working on my notation and there was a certain melody that came over me whenever I thought of him or was with him. I have never experienced a certain melody attached to a person, even his smell was a beautiful color. Since things were going well I decided that I should expand that melody from my head. I started writing a Tune for my Lover. I remember accidently leaving it out on the music stand early in January and him seeing it asking 'Who is that for?' and me shyly replying 'Uh... you...' met with an awkward moment and not talking about it again... I should have known. A short time later we were done and I got upset and ripped it up. Not only was my heart broken but my current musical achievement ripped to shreds. I stopped playing Bass for months after that. And I realized today talking to Brent because I hadn't thought about that in a long time. And for future reference when a guy says 'I'm afraid of commitment, you're too awesome, I feel like I'm in over my head,' he really means 'Thanks for the blowjob, I just don't like you anymore.' Lets be honest here... he's not afraid of commitment, he just didn't want to be with me.

I need to dust off my Bass not write love songs for lovers.

2011 for music has been an even greater experience and that's what makes it worth it. I've grown so much just as much as I detached myself from a huge part of it. My band The Love Absurd started recording our first album; Infinite Possibilities. A few of the players have rotated, but I've made some great friends a long the way. This has been the most exciting year for music thus far and I can't wait to see where it all goes. In March, after the great heart and mind fuck, I started my first collaboration project with Paul Bailey. I had never made music with someone else that wasn't purely under my own direction. It was very inspiring and he and his family have become some of my dearest friends even if I don't get to see them enough. This project made me realize that its a good thing and more importantly it was time to collaborate music with many more. Most importantly I entered 2011 with ZERO recording experience and since March I've gone from ZERO to major label recording. The highlight of the year was stepping into Studio A of Atlantic Records to record our music together. IF I THOUGHT I WAS FLYING SPACESHIPS BEFORE... THAT WAS A MUTHERFUCKING SPACESHIP. I sang into a $10,000 mic and played guitar through an amazing sound system and it was all our original music project and all for free and in great vibes. How lucky, I'm just extremely grateful.

Since then I've sang with Permeate, the reggae band, recorded a song with one of my best good friends Kevin, sang with my other best good friend Jack's Funk project BAMF, with Philip Fiorio's jazz trio a few times and Emerson Wahl's jazz trio and became the lead singer/songwriter for another Funk project called Funk Ta Puss. I had never done so much before and I had NO EXPECTATIONS of where I would be when I would turn 25, but I'm here and this is happening and regardless of all maddness; its great. I feel much more respected as a musician and an artist and feel like my career is starting to fill itself out, besides the paycheck.

I've come a long way since the great heart-fuck of January and this crazy 2011, but every year is crazy and something fucks you in the heart anyways. And 10 years is a lot to reflect upon. But no matter what I remain positive and creative. I promise myself that I will not shut myself off, I will write more poetry, I will continue questing existence, our universe and understanding and keep making music.

There are a lot more discoveries to be made, experiences to have and so many wonders in the Universe to find. I grow.

Fair winds, Jill

Observations of Life at the Museum

I miss being a Philosophy student, I wish I were a science student and was born an artist. My love for the sky and understanding the Earth and consciousness overwhelms me sometimes. Its a constant battle of thought of the Why is this the way it is? What makes it work? Why do we respond this way? So many ways to respond? How do I find out? And there are many more questions than personal logic can answer it on its own. I want to know! I want to understand this absurd understanding experiencing experience and how art is so divine.

I was at The Natural History Museum on Labor Day and I really wanted to clear my head, but of course there were tons of people there. I'm sure it's not always that crowded so I'll definitely go back again soon. But there were a lot of kids there. Mostly young kids but teenagers too and I really did feel separate from them. I went by myself because I really wanted to pay attention and observe. First of all, the Dinosaur exhibit is breathtaking. Just the mere fathom of viewing something millions of years old. Something that lived, breathed, ate, felt, communicated and I bet in some strange way had to come to terms with it's existence. So you have these age old skeletons, an animal once much stranger than we are and kids running around it in 2011. It was hard to walk through some of the exhibits because amateur mom photographers were adding memories to their family albums. Baby girl at a water fountain. Little boy looking at dinosaur. Brother and sister making bunny ears. This is Natural History.

This museum holds a lot of information. Information of our existence and brilliance of our own species on our Earth. One that can step back and view itself from itself. The progressions known and unknown that led to our unique figure and place in the 'modern' world. Its astonishing how far we've come. Before I went to NHM I had been watching a bunch of documentaries on human evolution and how our oldest common ancestor dates back 3 million years ago. THREE MILLION YEARS AGO. Sounds like a long time... but... how far long ago and how slow the process. We're barely here and people 50 years ago thought we'd have flying cars by now. That's when I stumbled upon the Lucy exhibit, I found out later it was a plaster skeleton, but still... the arrangement of bones of a 3.2 million year old hominid species of the first to walk upright... wow. Maybe I'm just a big nerd talking... but seriously if all these SKELETONS didn't take the steps they made we would have not been here. Hominid migrations out of Africa braving the elements, the unknown and exploring the globe by foot. How location, location, location makes a difference on biology and external aesthetics; skin, eye and hair color. And how strange and exhilarating to be a part of it and especially now. Especially special the fact that elements and ingredients of the Earth and Universe within us and all other species leaves behind matter that is solid that can survive throughout time. These fossils, though not living, now with modern technology can be carbon dated with clear precision and in certain instances DNA can be extracted as well. It took until 'modern times' to be able to have enough technology, brain power and will to tackle the task of unfolding the pages of origins. For if it wasn't for millions of years with the common hand axe we wouldn't have the telescope or the microscope. Even though the modern electric guitar is the greatest of all inventions.... just kidding.

Everything came from that. A slight decision that domino'd change and adaptation. The will to explore and to survive. Not only had they have to have been overwhelmed at seeing the sun of  day but they understood there was the instinct to see another and another. For everything given life innately has the drive to protect its life, continue it. So as I look at Lucy I wonder what she thought of life then? Could she comprehend and if so the ways of comprehension? The same thing for these kids as they run in front of me as I'm trying to soak in. Are they comprehending whats going on? Why did their Parents feel the need to bring them here and how important is it to them? Will they remember what they saw and will it impact them the way it should? How can one take in information of millions of years of data? I hope they do... at some point in their lifetime. For understanding the greatness behind that picture of little boy with a dinosaur that it is a connection of one in same living, breathing, feeling thing that once and is roaming the earth.

UPDATE FROM THE OUTER LIMITS...

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING...

We had a great time having a chance to get down at Paper Heart Presents: Femme Fatale at Club TRiP in Santa Monica, CA on Saturday, February 26, 2011. We flew alongside Kristi Michele, Weather The Music, Jessi Joplin and The Ruckus and Paige Bree. It was great to share the stage with some amazing talent for our first show of the year. We've been taking our time getting ready to record our first album, have some new tunes and are not very far away from going into the studio. We no longer have a www.jillavilez.com. Check out our NEW YouTube page http://www.youtube.com/user/LoveAbsurdOfficial. Find us on Facebook. Jill Avilez and The Love Absurd. We will be launching a new website around the release of our first album. So check this blog for updates on where we are in the skies.

THE FEARLESS CREW OF THE LOVE ABSURD UNIDENTIFIED AIRLINES! 

Brought to you by North, South, East and West,

THE MIGHTY WINDS

Steve Horist~ E.W.I./Tenor Sax, Nigel Yancey~ Alto Sax, Austin Yancey~ Bari Sax

SPACE BASS COMMANDER
Jack Keller~ Space Bass, Synth Bass

OUR THUNDER AND LIGHTNING 

Dylan Stecker~ Drums 

COMETS AND ASTEROIDS

Bryan McAllister~ Keys, Rhoades, Strange Noises

YOUR TORNADO CHASER AND HUMBLE CAPTAIN,

Jill Avilez~ Vox, Guitar, Double Bass, Strange Noises

FAIR WINDS,

JILL